Essays by Laura

Not an essay!

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 04:06:00 GMT

I wrote this for creative writing.

Here I sit, at twelve-thirty PM, studying for my two-thirty mid-term for the first time. Why am I such a procrastinator? Why can’t I just start sooner? Why am I so--
“Do you mind if I sit here?” asks a shrill voice, interrupting my train of thought.
“No, not at all!” Actually, I do mind. I have a test in two hours, and if I don’t focus all of my attention on this book, I’m probably going to fail it. On the other hand, she doesn’t really look like the type that has much to say, so it should be fine. Why not be polite?
She pushes a strand of her long, blonde hair behind her ears. Perfectly manicured nails; imagine that. “So, what are you studying for?”
“Philosophy. Really interesting stuff.” Perhaps that will get her off of my back. Doesn’t look like she’d want to want to think in depth about anything.
“Ooooh! I have a good one! So Descartes walks into a bar, right? The bartender pours him a beer, and he gulps it down. The bartender asks, ‘So, Descartes, want another beer?’ Descartes says, ‘I think... not’ and disappears!” The blonde girl starts to giggle at her own obnoxious joke.
I crack a forced smile. “Ooh, good one!” In reality, I’m impressed that she even knows who Descartes is. Not impressed enough to want her to stick around, though.
“So, what do you do when you’re not studying?” she asks me, with a wink. I think I know what she’s insinuating.
I purposely play dumb. “Well, I’m really into film. Foreign films especially. And sometimes I work with computers, too. Seems counterintuitive for a philosophy major to have an affinity for technology, but I really do love them.” Did I make myself sound dull enough? Will she go away?
“Weeeelll, maybe you could pry yourself away from your films and computers for a bit to get a cup of coffee with a girl?” She’s really not that subtle, is she?
“Sure, I’d like that, sometime!” I say. No reason to be outright rude. I’ll just be busy whenever she tries to take me up on it. “Want my e-mail address or something?” I’m prepared to just give her a fake one.
“I’d rather take your name first,” she giggles. God, she’s obnoxious. “I’m Jessica, by the way.”
At least I don’t have to give her a fake name. “I’m Brad,” I say with the same phony smile I’ve been keeping for this whole conversation. When do I get to study?
“Tell ya what, Brad. How about I just meet you here tomorrow and we can set up a date? I have to run to a class.” Good, so she’s leaving. And I can just find a different place to eat tomorrow.
“Sounds great, Jessica! I’ll see you then.”

Teen angst!

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 19:26:55 GMT

This article is on teen angst. Before reading it, there is one note that I must make, and that is this:

I acknowledge that not all teen angst is unwarranted. Occasionally, somebody's life really does suck major amounts of ass. I don't really care enough to sympathise most of the time, but I do understand. This article is not for you. This article is for all the stupid fuckers.

Can we please stop all of the fucking angst?
An apparently radical proposition by Laura.

One disturbing trend that I’ve been noticing over the course of, well, my entire life is the “teen angst” phase. This is the period in time where every single teenager feels like nobody understands them, and the world is against them, and all they can do about it is write bad poetry and cut themselves.

It is not the self-inflicted wounds of the teen angst phase that bother me, nor the over saturated market of music and poetry about these suicidal feelings. No, what bothers me the most about teen angst is that every teenager thinks that they are completely unique! All those songs describing exactly what these teens are going through? They must have been written specifically for every individual person who identifies with them! Give me a fucking break.

The interesting thing about teen angst is that it all tends to start out innocently enough, with the discovery that the world isn’t perfect, and parents aren’t always correct. This is a good epiphany. Everyone should have it. In fact, most people, and this means most parents, are about as intelligent as a rock. And the world? It’s a pretty goddamn shitty place. But then these teenagers just have to go farther with it by letting every little thing that is good about the world slip through the cracks, while they focus on things like the fact that their parents won’t let them have unprotected sex while high on whatever designer drug is popular at the time, like all the other, cooler kids are doing. Soon, these kids hate everything and everyone, and it’s only a matter of time before they take up the guitar and start singing their sorrows to everyone and anyone who will listen.

Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of problems with the world, and I’m not an optimist by any stretch of the imagination. But finding good things to enjoy is not that fucking difficult. Lay in bed with a good movie! Eat ice cream! Run around in the sun (or rain, if you prefer.) There is not a single person in the entire world who hates everything. This is a fact. So at least focus on the positive sometimes. Realize, please, that almost every adolescent hates the world at some point, and that it will pass. Meanwhile, you can whine to your other little emo friends, but leave me the fuck out of it, because angst is completely unnecessary. People are stupid and life sucks, but you don’t have to dwell on it, and if you do, you’re extra stupid and suck harder.

A very rough draft of an essay that I am writing for Film as Lit.

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 06:42:43 GMT

This particular essay is not caustic like everything else I've written here. In fact, it barely firs in with this journal at all. But I need a place to put it so that I can get some critique, so I figured that this was my best bet. It should be noted that this is very rough and I wrote it in under an hour without checking anything but my spelling.

Fate and Run Lola Run

Towards the beginning of Run Lola Run, a domino is knocked over, starting a giant chain reaction. We’ve all witnessed this, yet somehow, never really seem to pay attention to the implications. But Tom Tykwer, the director of Run Lola Run does. It becomes very clear as the movie progresses that he views life as that line of dominos; he feels that one miniscule action can produce such an enormous reaction that it’s almost impossible to fathom just how different the resultant events would be had the action not occurred. Indeed, Run Lola Run is about fate, and more specifically, how we make our own fate.

The first clue that Run Lola Run is about our own influences on our destinies is simply the way the film is set up. The same story is told three times, and ends three completely different ways, despite the fact that it starts out essentially the same each time. The background given is that Lola’s boyfriend, Manni, was involved in some sort of criminal deal, and lost the 100,000 marks that he was supposed to deliver to a man who will kill him if the money is not all there. Lola, his girlfriend, has twenty minutes to save him by getting the 100,000 marks for him and meeting him at a phone booth. In the first story, when Lola starts running, she has to run around a boy and his dog at the top of a staircase. This delays her but only very briefly. At the end of this story, Lola gets shot accidentally. In the second story, the boy trips her, and she falls down the stairs, delaying her significantly. At the end of this story, Manni, her boyfriend, gets hit by a bus. Finally, in the third story, Lola jumps clear over the boy and his dog, putting her ahead of schedule. In the end of this story, Manni finds the bum who has his money and gets it all back, and Lola manages to make her own 100,000 marks, as well. Since these very slightly different starts produce drastically different endings, this is a big hint that Run Lola Run is about creating your own fate.

The second support for the fact that Run Lola Run is about people creating their own fate is the fact that the third story, which contains divine intervention, is incredibly unlikely in very many ways. For Lola to get the money that she did, she not only had to jump clear over the boy and his dog in the very beginning, but actually close her eyes and pray. In this part of the story, she actually walks clear in front of a truck that should not have had any time to stop. The fact that she did not get hit was a miracle in and of itself. Furthermore, directly after this, she wins 100,000 marks in two rounds of gambling, starting out with just a 100 mark chip. This is the second miracle. And as though this story wasn’t already highly unlikely, Lola also manages to revive a heart attack victim by simply holding his hand. In addition to the miracles that happen to Lola, Manni is equally blessed with the opportunity to get the original 100,000 marks back from the bum who had his bag of money. Because Lola was so ahead of schedule, a boy on a bicycle who would have stopped to talk to her instead sold the bicycle to the bum, who coincidentally rode right by Manni. In addition, Manni was directed to look at the bum by none other than a blind old woman. The absolute absurdity of this third story seems to be not only a denial of fate, but a direct attack on the concept of it.

A third support for the fact that Run Lola Run is about one creating their own fate is the “and thens,” as they are sometimes referred to. Every so often, as Lola passes a person, there will be a flash forward, titled “and then...”, which shows what will happen to that person in the future. One lady who Lola passes all three times at the beginning of the story gets one “and then” per story, and each are completely different depending on just when Lola passes her. In the first story, the lady becomes poor and has her baby taken away from her, so she steals a new baby. In the second story, the lady wins the lottery. And in the third story, the lady becomes a religious zealot and is seen distributing pamphlets. And this is all because of a millisecond difference in the time that Lola passes her. This again supports that Run Lola Run’s message is that a chain of events, not a deity, is responsible for our fate.

Between the way the three versions of Lola’s story are set up, the incredibly ridiculous nature of the third story, and the “and thens”, it seems clear that Run Lola Run is a story about fate. More specifically, it is a story of how, by little decisions made by ourselves and others, our fate is shaped. One small event has the power to change someone’s life entirely, and Run Lola Run takes this concept and, pardon the pun, runs with it.

An essay on a stupid saying.

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 00:47:14 GMT

One belief that most people seem to hold these days is that absolutely everybody is unique, and that everybody has something special about themselves that nobody else has. I'm not quite sure where this idea originated (perhaps the Barney show?) but it's just not true.

Think about the people you've encountered in your daily life. How many of the females talked about nothing but clothes and the man whose call they were waiting for? How many of the men were incapable of discussing anything but sports and boobs? So many people exhibit behaviour that is so obviously the same as everybody elses', yet we as a race still tend to harbour the dillusions that we are indeed unique.

This is not to say that nobody is unique. There are people who most definitely break the proverbial mold by living their lives differently than their peers. Some people are just born with a predilection towards things that are not considered popular. But do you know what we do to these people? We diagnose them with personality disorders. And then we medicate them, and soon, they're the same as everybody else.

And people wonder why the few lucky unique individuals tend to act withdrawn? It's because they're avoiding assimilation at all costs. (Or because they really do have a psychological disorder. :P) I don't really know where I stand on the scale of unique-assimilated, and quite frankly, I don't really care. I just wish that people would stop trying to make me believe that there is something special about everyone, because I don't buy it.

“Moveie thetrs r hard 2 undrstnd”

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 05:02:49 GMT

As some of you may well know, I have been working at a movie theatre for the past two months. I was hoping to emerge from my first work experience as an enlightened person (in some way,) but instead I have gained just one important piece of knowledge: For the general population of a town unnamed to protect its identity*, movie theaters are incredibly difficult to understand. I feel the pain of this town, and have taken the liberty of writing them a letter.

Dear patrons of my place of employment,

It has come to my attention that the concept of a movie theatre is relatively difficult to understand, so I’ve decided to write you a letter, explaining how everything works. Don’t thank me; I’d just like to make the experience more enjoyable for you!

The first thing that tends to throw you off is the concept of a box office. I mean, it doesn’t make sense that we’d sell the tickets outside of the theater at all, so I don’t blame you. It would be much more likely that you’d buy tickets with your food, or at the door stand. I mean, it would be so much more convenient if we did it that way! But alas, you must eventually come to terms with the fact that if you open your fucking eyes there’s a really nice place right outside the theatre selling you your tickets.

So now that you have obtained your ticket, it’s time to buy food! This can be pretty difficult. First of all, you must make sure to check every single candy case in order to decide what you want, even though they all contain the same thing. Then, upon not seeing what you want, you must make sure to ask if we have it anyway, because, you know, we’re probably just hiding it. This is the easiest part-- ordering food is even more difficult!!

The first thing you ought to do if you really want to make us happy is complain about the prices. Us concessionists absolutely have a say in this, and love to hear what you have to say. Maybe if you keep asking, we’ll drop the price of popcorn by a few dollars. Wouldn’t that be nice? We also absolutely love it when you give us really specific directions as to where to take the popcorn from, or complain that it’s not newly popped (that exact second!) Especially if you’re early for the movie!

Now that you have your food, it’s time to pay us. Our preferred method of payment is bills wadded together, fresh out of the sweaty pocket of the jeans you’ve been wearing for a week. However, should you not be able to pay this way, a free popcorn coupon will suffice. We especially love it if you give us these after you ask us to ring up a popcorn the normal way. Having to backtrack on our tills is the best way we can spend our time.

You have your food now, and want to actually go see your movie. Good for you; you’ve made it this far! Unfortunately, the door stand is quite possibly the most difficult part of the entire movie experience. If it were up to me, we would have cash registers there in order to give you change, but since it isn’t, you’re going to actually have to walk two or three steps to the big machine that says change.

It is also part of our job to make sure that we don’t see you try to sneak into an R rated movie (when you’re under seventeen.) So, here are some fun tips for you: Please, attempt to make it look like you’re heading even remotely close to the theatre you’re supposed to be in. Do not attempt to run into the movie you’re sneaking into right away-- wait a little while. And above all, try to blend in. These tips will ensure that when we catch you, we won’t make fun of you in the back room, prior to seeing our free movies despite being underage ourselves.

Hopefully, this letter has shed some light on movie theatres and what we are about for you. We hope to see you in the future!

Lots of love,
Laura

*But it is Bellevue, Washington.

An essay on the religious.

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 03:27:50 GMT

This essay arose out of what was essentially a bet with myself. You see, I have a particular disdain for religious zealots, and typically find myself incapable of writing anything directed at them without being extremely rude about it. This was my way of proving that I could be eloquent while still addressing a general public that I typically can't stand.

God Wants You To Leave Me Alone
(An essay specifically for the religious, of any denomination, by Laura.)

There seem to be two types of people in this world; those who are religious, and those who feel that the religious are incredibly annoying. Those who fall into the latter category will tell you that the concept of religion isn’t the problem-- it’s the people who believe they must thrust it upon everybody. But for what? Eternal happiness? Nay-- another viewpoint must be presented.

Imagine, if you will, that you are somebody extremely popular. I mean popular in the sense that absolutely everybody knows who you are. You are, in fact, so incredibly, outrageously popular, that you go by several different pseudonyms.

For each of these pseudonyms, there is a group of people that insist on only calling you by that name... and that everybody else is wrong. This is the first annoyance; there are people fighting about something so trivial as your name. How irritating. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there.

Pretend for a minute that all of these little groups, when they aren’t bickering among themselves about your name, are out on the streets. What are they doing? They are spending hours upon hours purposely engaging in conversations with people who they know don’t like you, or at the very least, don’t care that you exist. They are trying their absolute hardest to persuade these people that you are the proverbial shit. And instead, they are irritating everybody to no end. This is more than an annoyance; this is highly damaging to your image.

After hearing about how incredible you are-- from several people, all of whom insist that your name is different from what the last guy said-- people are likely to actually become irritated at the very thought of you. And guess what? You didn’t even do anything! Your fanclub actually spoiled everything for you. And if you ever try to do something significant, nobody will care; oh no, they just won’t want to hear about it.

Now how do you think God feels? His fanclub is responsible for not only most of the anti-religious people out there, but also many of the wars. (And, no matter what your denomination, everybody knows that God likes peace.) So please, for God, leave me alone... or at least stop fighting over his name.

It's been awhile, but we're back, with "Modern Art."

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 05:47:11 GMT

“Modern Art”
A rant by Laura.

I have a confession to make. I love art-- both creating it myself and merely enjoying its pulchritude. One of the best things about art is that it is so completely subjective. Everybody interprets it differently, so various pieces mean different things to everybody.

That being said, I have some difficulties with the current “modern art” that is being produced. I have no problems with people being innovative and edgy; au the contraire. What I have difficulty with are the people who will attempt to pass things which obviously required no effort whatsoever to create off as “modern art,” and sadly, manage to succeed.

Not all art is beautiful. Some is simple, or even just depressing. This is okay; these pieces do, after all, convey messages, and not all messages are positive. To display simplicity or depression is important for the souls of some people. But please, do not attempt to pass your failed version of the inkblot test off as a creative masterpiece. You are not fooling anybody.

The art critics do not help this situation, either. Have you ever heard somebody go on and on about how amazing some piece of art or another is, only to discover that it is the equivalent of a microsoft paint stick figure? It just isn’t right.

I believe that we should all do our part to rid our collective selves of these complete wastes of space. This is what I propose: next time, everybody should point out that, “Umm, that art is just a piece of wire that’s been bent in two places.”

An mini-essay on love.

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 07:43:13 GMT

For this essay, I owe much credit to Sumner. When asked to generate possible topics for writing, he managed to come up with one I deemed actually usable in a matter of seconds. Though not any prize-winner, (I wrote it in literally under a half an hour,) this essay is probably a lot more enjoyable to read than last week's. This is because it takes a significantly less antagonistic viewpoint, instead simply expressing the views of the author.

“You will not find love, so don’t even try.”
(A slightly serious mini-essay by Laura.)

Without a doubt, love can be many things. A raison d’etre, or the epitome of pain and suffering. The bane of one’s existence, or a messiah of utter happiness. Nevertheless, people tend to remember only the positive aspects of this extremely complex emotion. As such, it is something that is coveted. Many people have even gone so far as to state that they are “searching for love.” Love, however, should never be actively sought.

Before even entering the realm of logistics, one must examine the phrasing of the concept itself: “searching for love.” Already, one encounters an issue. Love is not a lost cellular phone, or a sibling’s beloved porno stash. It is an emotion. By nature, emotions do not simply exist on their own; they are generated by people, places, and events. Because of this, the phrase that is generally used to describe the seeking out of a significant other is conceptually flawed; one cannot locate something that has not yet been created.

Since it has been determined in the prior paragraph that “searching for love” cannot be taken literally, what this is generally interpreted to mean is “looking for a significant other.” However, this is counterproductive. Any two people desperate enough to seek out somebody to love-- generally settling for whoever is available-- will have a relationship built on mutual desperation and codependency, not the marvelous feelings that they so wished for.

“If one cannot find a happy relationship by specifically seeking it, why are there so many couples in this world?” one may be tempted to inquire. The answer is quite simple; though “finding love” is not a common occurrence, love manages to find people every day. The saying, “love is where you least expect it,” cliché as it might be, is one of the most wisdom-infused tidbits ever. But it seems that love is selective about who it chooses.

To be fully open to love, one must not carry excess baggage. As such, anybody who is still actively looking for somebody to love, (and typically willing to settle on anybody,) will have the worst chance of being struck by Cupid’s proverbial arrow. When one learns to rely on themselves, and themselves alone, love will then grace their lives.

In conclusion, people spend entirely too much time attempting to find a lover. If, instead, one chooses to grow comfortable with themselves as a person, love may just pay them a visit. And if not, at least a new best friend has been acquired.

An essay on femininity.

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 05:31:10 GMT

It should be noted, before you read this essay, that I'm not nearly as bigotted as you probably think. This entire thing is a work of satire, and should be taken as such. It has also been livejournal-cut for your convenience. Thank you, and enjoy.

“On Feminine Instinct: Overcoming Womanhood Before It Consumes One’s Being And Reduces Them To A Blathering Idiot.”
(A lighthearted essay written by Laura.)

It was once said that, “human nature, in actuality, is human habit.” If this is true, then undesirable qualities that seem to be intrinsic can be removed altogether, or at the very least, this is the conclusion that logic leads us to. Having two X chromosomes, however, this author possesses logic which is invariably skewed. Still, she tries to the best of her ability to draw rational conclusions.

For years, “estrogen” and “utter insanity” have been known as synonyms. But is the feminine “instinct” one that can be fought? Can somebody cursed to bleed every month ever overcome the desire to become domesticated? It can be concluded that yes, they can.

Freidrich Nietzsche expounded at great lengths on the concept of the “Ubermensch,” or “Overman.” This man, he claimed, would overcome human nature, instead turning his life into a work of art. If this is the case, what would the “Overwoman” look like? To determine this, some of the qualities which make being female excessively irritating must be examined.

Perhaps the most negative thing about the “fairer sex” is their complete obsession with the shallow. Without a doubt, you've seen examples of this phenomenon in action. Women on the streets which were of questionable species due to excessive makeup application. Females incapable of showing emotion, thanks to the "miracle" that is botox. Most girls like to blame this on societal pressures, but the truth is, it is entirely in their own little heads, and this can be easily remedied.

The first step to overcoming shallowness is to (obviously) stop purchasing makeup and going for plastic surgery. This is not to be confused with avoiding places and things that are actually important, such as your shower. The second step is to admit to yourself that, while it may be easy to pass the blame for your problem off on the media, it's entirely YOUR fault. Yes, that's right, the problem is that you are a narcissistic bitch. Once you realize this, you may move into a stage of self-loathing, which will eventually lead to you actually desiring to change your ways.

In addition to shallowness, women are also known for being incapable of making up their minds. Indecisiveness plagues everybody to some extent, but the female has turned it into a form of art. As with shallowness, there are steps to recovery that even the most fickle can follow.

Rational decision making is not immediately possible for most women. This is why the first step is simply to pick a thought-- any thought-- and stick with it. If you decide while you are on the rag that everybody who upsets you must die, well, you'd better be out there with the shotgun. Sure some people might be very upset by this, but at least you'll learn to stop wavering.

After mastering this process, it's time to consider something that is a foreign concept to most women; "logic." The way it works is as follows: Not only should you stick to a decision, but you should choose one that has the smallest amount of negative consequences. Now instead of shooting people, like you did in step one, you can decide to instead simply get back in the kitchen where you belong! It's really quite easy.

Since the combination of indecisiveness and shallowness is usually what makes a woman, you should now have the skills necessary to fight femininity, instead becoming a remotely contributing member of society. And if all else fails, take some goddamned midol.

Essays by Laura!

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 06:43:00 GMT

Okay, so this journal was originally intended for song lyrics. That all went to hell when I stopped writing them. I do, however, write essays quite frequently. So now it's more of a place for me to "publish" my essays. Don't take anything I say too seriously, please. :)